I'm now down to about 30 minutes left of my 30's. I've dreaded tomorrow for a long time. No birthday so far in my life has bothered me but this number is. It's not the number that does... but the things I thought I would have done by now.. where I thought (or hoped) I'd be at in my life...
I've never seen the ocean... at 39. Some co-workers today were shocked today when I said so. I dream of seeing a sunrise and sunset on the beach. There are places in the world I'd love to go see... I've always wanted to see the castles in Scotland, Ireland's beautiful green countryside... for now I'll see pictures of these and admire them from afar.
I always thought I'd have more kids... but I guess the blessing in disguise is that all my love goes to the wonderful son I do have. Growing older makes me miss more the things I'll always cherish... his baby smell after a bath... the deep little belly laugh a baby has when you tickle them so hard they can barely breath. But losing that... and growing older... gets me closer to grandchildren and those experiences relived again in them.
I think about how far I've come as a person in 40 years... that seems like a long time.. and yet it feels like nothing... it's gone by so fast. Sitting up alone in the quiet house tonight makes me think of the past... where I've been... and the future... where I'm going. I hope that my 40 years has made a difference to even just a few people on this earth, that something done or said.. somewhere along the way has made someone's day happier, brighter.
I heard a co-worker say not too long ago she decided she was going to live her life "40 and Fabulous!". I've thought about that and what goals I wanted to set in place to make my 40's Fabulous... I am getting healthier as I'm back to my workout, water intake and watching the kinds of food that go on my plate.. I want to be here for 40 (+) more years and be able to enjoy every minute of it. I want to see things and go places that I tell myself 'maybe someday'... I have been dreading this but I feel better and yes I'm gonna say it.. I look better than I have for years. A sweet friend told me last night that I looked the age of my step-daughter (29). I'm not sure I'd go that far but if sure felt good! (Thanks Jen!)
Tomorrow might not be so bad after all.