Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Moving On

Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On" says a LOT!

My big 4 0 birthdy started out rough... I wasn't 'mentally' prepared for 40 this morning... and was working hard at 'holding it together'. I was okay (not FINE, but okay) til I read a birthday card that I found on my desk when I got to the office this morning. Everyone signed it and it was nice... although a few comments... (written in jest but not good for mental state at the time)... made me lose it! I hd to go to the bathroom... have a little cry then clean my face and take a couple deep breaths. It did get better as the day wore on though. I have some AMAZING friends I've found. When you're told you look 29 (Thanks Jen) and then later by someone I've not met in person "wasn't sure of the age but knew it was your birthday... happy 25th??" ... so then I got to thinking....

I've looked back at where I was 5, 10 years ago... talk about CHANGE! I look much younger now than I did then... I'm in MUCH better shape than I was then. One of my regrets is that I didn't take better care of myself THEN. Like the song says....

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

so... I'm Moving On! 

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Goodbye 30's

I'm now down to about 30 minutes left of my 30's. I've dreaded tomorrow for a long time. No birthday so far in my life has bothered me but this number is. It's not the number that does... but the things I thought I would have done by now.. where I thought (or hoped) I'd be at in my life...

I've never seen the ocean... at 39. Some co-workers today were shocked today when I said so. I dream of seeing a sunrise and sunset on the beach. There are places in the world I'd love to go see... I've always wanted to see the castles in Scotland, Ireland's beautiful green countryside... for now I'll see pictures of these and admire them from afar.

I always thought I'd have more kids... but I guess the blessing in disguise is that all my love goes to the wonderful son I do have. Growing older makes me miss more the things I'll always cherish... his baby smell after a bath... the deep little belly laugh a baby has when you tickle them so hard they can barely breath. But losing that... and growing older... gets me closer to grandchildren and those experiences relived again in them.

I think about how far I've come as a person in 40 years... that seems like a long time.. and yet it feels like nothing... it's gone by so fast. Sitting up alone in the quiet house tonight makes me think of the past... where I've been... and the future... where I'm going. I hope that my 40 years has made a difference to even just a few people on this earth, that something done or said.. somewhere along the way has made someone's day happier, brighter.

I heard a co-worker say not too long ago she decided she was going to live her life "40 and Fabulous!". I've thought about that and what goals I wanted to set in place to make my 40's Fabulous... I am getting healthier as I'm back to my workout, water intake and watching the kinds of food that go on my plate.. I want to be here for 40 (+) more years and be able to enjoy every minute of it. I want to see things and go places that I tell myself 'maybe someday'... I have been dreading this but I feel better and yes I'm gonna say it.. I look better than I have for years. A sweet friend told me last night that I looked the age of my step-daughter (29). I'm not sure I'd go that far but if sure felt good! (Thanks Jen!)

Tomorrow might not be so bad after all.